Boston, 1880.
It was just another day at the Boston University. The calmness in the air was disturbed by the telephone ring.
<click>
“Hello! Am I speaking to Mr. Alexander Graham Bell?”
“Yes, speaking.”
“Sir, this is Aditi calling from city bank*, sir. Sir, we are offering you a free Gold class credit card, sir. 0% interest sir. It has been posted to your office address, sir. Would you be interested… sir?”
“First of all, I am not knighted yet…so stop calling me ‘Sir’. Second of all, what the?”
“Sir, please sir. This is a one time opportunity sir…”
“Stop speaking! Stop speaking!… Ok, now I am getting another call. Have a good day, young lady!”
<click>
“Hello! Am I speaking to Mr. Alexander Graham Bell, sir? This is Rachna calling from HSDC* bank. We are offering you a….”
“Huh? What? Stop! … Listen, I am hanging up on you.”
<click>
“Oh my god! Why would someone come up with such a crappy invention?”
“Son, I thought you did it!”
“Err… well… he he he”
Bangalore, 2007.
Welcome back!
For some time now, I have been thinking if I need to promote Alexander Graham Bell over Himesh Reshamiyya in my “Most Hated Human” list for inventing this junk machine.
I hate telephones, mobile phones and all other equipments through which call center people can contact me. It really freaks me out when they don’t even give you a choice in the cajoling process… like,
“Sir, we have sent you the credit card. Do you want it?”
or
“Sir, turn to your left, please. Can you see me? I have personally come to deliver the credit card. All you need to do is sign in 2 places on page 3. Can you do it now, sir?”
Equally bad, if not worse, is this.
“Sir, am I speaking to Mr. Arvind Khanna?”
“Sorry. Wrong number.”
“It is ok, sir. I am Sheela calling from HSDC* bank. Are you interested in personal loans sir?”
Yikes! How am I supposed to react to these calls? Should I be curt, should I be soft-spoken, should I just not care about it and let the phone ring? I think, for now, I will stick to this –
“Hello! I am Susheela calling from CitiBank sir. Am I speaking to Mr. Vignesh?”
“No Sushee! Why are you so confused these days? I am working in your call center only. Look straight. Can’t you see me waving at you? Now keep the phone down, darling. By the way, nice sal!”
Yes… yes, I know. I know. It will not work. Aargh!
Mr. Graham Bell, you are deadmeat!!!
“Son, I already am! :)”
* – the names of the banks are fictitious. If you still think they remind you of some real banks, blame your GK for there were no CitiBank or HSBC bank in 1876. ( If you think I am wrong, blame my GK)
“Trring Trring!! … Can i speak to Mr.Vignesh ? I am Ambily Sivadas from BITS-pilani.
I am sending you a bouquet of roses to express my happiness and joy after reading your blog. Would you be interested to receive it , Sir ? ” 🙂
Hats off to you!!.. vicky.. that was really witty and amusing!
Listen to the offer. Ask for all the features of the card. Ask especially if you’ll get service tax waiver at some petrol bunk. If not, say that’s your favourite and you’d love to have that. Then say there’s someone at the door and that you’ll be back. Watch an episode of Family Guy. Get back to her. Tell her you forgot and ask her to repeat the features of the card. Wash-rinse-repeat.
Ambils,
Receive it? You mean receive the roses or the sender? And are they red roses?
I don’t want to say “I love you” in public. You know I am good boy! 😉
Amit,
I just want to say one thing… “Aawright!” 😀
Hey Vicky,
I cannot but concur with you more truly on the excruciating pains of possessing a telephone, replete with a Hutch connectivity. Hutch seems to have gone on a deal with some credit card companies and clearly those people are out to screw our happiness. But I’ve over the past few months developed some attempts to ward off these threats to my slumber at office:
1. Some really w(sh)itty people decide to be courteous and start off with a “How are you today”. Try responding “I’m glad you called me up today, I was kind of worried no one was asking me. You know, my BP shooted right up and my computer crashed…”
2. If they say they are ABC from XYZ company, ask them to spell out ABC. Then ask them for XYZ spelling. Continue asking them personal questions till they decide to hang up or hang themselves.
3. Cry out in surprise “Ambily! Oh Ambily! Is that really you? It’s been long since we talked to one another. Oh dear God, this is a surprise. Hey, how’s your momma doing?”
4. Say “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
5. Tell them that you cannot give out your personal details to a complete stranger.
6. Tell them you are currently held up at work and ask for their residence contact number, so you can call back. When they reply that they cannot give their residence numbers, retort “I guess you don’t want to be disturbed at home. You certainly think that a taste of your own medecine will be bitter, don’t you? Now you know how I feel.” Hang up.
7. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
8. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
9. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Kaja and scream “Hey Kaja! Stop it, cut it out! Listen, tell me how is your momma?”
10. Tell them to talk very slowly because you want to write every word down!
Let me know if these worked
Kaja
PS: I may have modified these on a forward I got recently. But I still get some brownie points for circumstantial re-production and modification. 😉
7.
Kaja,
I am speechless. Technically speaking, this is a blog in itself! You should blog 🙂
Hi Vignesh,
Great blogs to start off with. I have to say ur outlook is a little bleak. U can also choose to have a sunnier outlook because:
1. Its a GAL whoz calling us. Gals never call us, or me atleast. 😉
2. Their voices are sweet n the names are cute. So in ur imagination they are always beautiful
3. They call u up to give u money. Gals only take money never give.
4. They make the ideal pick up n drop. I mean the call. U pick the the call n drop it later. the second time they call that is. n no ones hurt.
Continue rocking!
Viswa (00 Batch – BITS)
Hi Vishwa,
Thanks a lot for the comments! 🙂
Your comments were quite enlightening (and I think, I have found the reason for my singledom!) 😀
I completely agree with you. Infact, if you had comment before the others, I would have deleted the post and called back the zillions of Susheelas and Rachitas who only asked for acceptance and nothing more. In my head, I hear hundred thousand songs of Himesh Reshmiyya, superimposed on each other, amplified, and fed into a loud speaker, against which I am forcibly pushed.
Absolute agony!
Hi Vishwa,
Please visit my blog often. A humble request 🙂
that was a good one vicky..now after reading the comments if u’ve changed your mind to respond back politely and accept their offers, then it would be great…provided they are single 😉 But this one should help if they r not…
When you get a call just listen to the whole story and give the usual answer- that you already own one.
Then the GIRL will say ” It is ok sir, you can always go for a second one”
Ask her if she is married. and if the answer is a YES, you can ask her if she is ok with getting married to u for a second time 😛
Looks like India is ready for the Do Not Call List as well. Here, in the US, you can register your phone number with the Do Not Call List and you will not receive marketing calls.
The last two months I have started receiving marketing calls from India as they are beyond the jurisdiction.
Paddu,
Brilliant one! I think I should start compiling the answers! 😀 I hope no call center employee reads this post and the comments (which are more damaging than the post). If they do, they might ask people to call me twice everytime! 😀
A very ‘you’ post! 🙂 I remember being a witness to this thought process. Am i right?
Vijay,
Thanks for the “real” enlightenment 🙂 Good that the Do Not Call List is not yet here. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have had anything else to blog about 😀
And don’t worry, you can outwit the calls from India with these wonderfuls comments I have got here 😀
Thanks bro, once again! 🙂
Abi,
Thanks for the comment! And yeah, I have talked about the “Arvind Khanna” call over and over again. I find it extremely funny… one of those “too funny to be true” ones 😀
hehehe…gud one. what will b ur reaction when u get such calls in roaming?
This reply was from my friend when he got such a call on the office phone
“saar….what u wanting? me in facilities saar….” . It was really effective.
Another incident happened to me outside an ATM of a private bank(and trust me this one takes the cake). This lady jumps on me (ok….almost on me) as soon as i come out and starts off “sir we have got this offer…”. Slightly taken aback by the sheer speed of her jump i manage to mutter “No thanks….i am not interested”. Then the most unexpected part happened
Lady:”If you are not interested then we can’t do anything”.
me:” ”
I never went to that particular ATM again.
This is one of the most interesting blog with such enlightening comments i have ever seen :P….awesome suits it
Im new here and i enjoy music and movies alot , Hope lots of ppl like me here 🙂
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